29 Apr 2012

Start at the beginning

Crumpled sheets of paper, new files on my laptop, notes on the writing software, bullet points on my phone...I go through titles, paragraphs sometimes whole chapters without settling on one.

Writing is a lonely process. No one tells you about the frustration when you cannot relate to lines that flew out of you just a few days before. No one tells you about the pangs of disappointment when you veto your own ideas. No one tells you about the restlessness that comes from sitting in one place for too long and the deep disquiet that follows it when you get up and leave.

Music sorts few things out, but the thought of baring my soul is a fear yet to be conquered. 'All in good time', my loneliness shouts out to me. It's my new friend - this constant loneliness I reek of.

At work, my role requires me to network, talk and generate ideas anew each time so that the campaigns I work on are fresh. The sudden onstage appearances that have catapulted me from the wallflower status to a firebrand one. With the constant onslaught of people I meet each day; I call out to my loneliness so we can be together. The hunger to be with my own thoughts, the aching need to be alone as I type away furiously, before the thoughts rush out. Unstable and changing - they need to be held gently and then let go.

As I create yet another file in what would now look like a mess on an actual desk, I shut out my thoughts and repeat in a slow monotone - "Start at the beginning, go to the end, and then stop." 

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